【明報專訊】This is a beautiful modern poem, W.K., and generally it doesn't need many changes, so I'm going to focus on one topic: adjectives! You have lots of great adjectives in your poem, but there are some rules to follow when putting two or more together.
Firstly, when describing a sound weak and soft have almost exactly the same meaning, so I think they sound strange together. Choose one or the other. As the poem is about a dying person, weak is probably best.
Secondly, watch out for using and or a comma between your adjectives. When adjectives add to each other, such as strong and rough, they often sound better with a comma (i.e. his strong, rough voice), but only if they come before a noun (here, voice). It would sound very strange to say "His voice was strong, rough".
Lastly, it's the order of adjectives. For me, strong should come before rough because it is our opinion that his voice is "strong", and it's also something that can change-later he might have a "faltering, rough voice". For the same reason, I also feel that warm sounds better before calm, although that's just my preference. Whatever you choose, use the same order both times in your poem-warm and calm are consistent, but strong and rough are not!
